Dear Mr. Isringhausen

This is a modified version of something I posted last year at the old magic penguin:

Dear Mr. Isringhausen,

My name is Mike. I am a young man aged 25 years old and a very devout fan of your baseball team, The St. Louis Cardinals. My friends and I could be considered "fanatics" and have spent most of the fall looking forward to this April, when the Cardinals will take the field again and go for another run to to the world series. If we're not watching baseball, we're talking baseball. We're about just shy of literally living and dying with the Cardinalsad before we go any farther I'd like to explain a few things.

The world around is very perilous these days, and temptation to stray off the path is everywhere. Young men every day just like myself turn to alcohol and drugs to escape the mental pain and anguish of anxiety. What I'm trying to say is, due to the world we live in, I'm fighting something of an uphill battle here. No, im not looking for a handout from a rich athlete to a poor kid. I personally don't have many problems in my life. Thus far I actually don't have a drinking problem, nor do I have any lingering drug habits. My liver is not about to fail, and I don't need a little bump in the morning to get me on my way to work. I'm doing pretty good actually.

At this point you must be asking, "what in God's name can this possibly have to do with me?", and honestly, I would say that's a fair question. So let me explain myself. You're killing me Jason, you're just freakin' killing me. Seriously, every day you come out to pitch you push me closer the precipice of full on drug and alcohol abuse, and may eventually cause me to spiral further down into the depths of self loathing, pushing me towards the criminal element of society. What I'm saying Mr. Isringhausen is, every time you come into a game with a 1 run lead, and load the bases like you did tonight before getting the final out, you push me a step closer to having to sneak money out of my dads wallet so I can get my next crack fix. And after they're gone, I don't want to end up robbing convenience stores for that handle of McCormick's vodka just so I can take my troubles away for a little while.

Im not sure if I can handle it this year Jason. I can't go through another year of this. All im asking is that you neatly and tidily record three outs. Is that really so hard to ask? I don't think that it is. I don't want to be the unemployed guy downing entire bottles of Robitussin in aisle 12 of the local Schnuck's just to get a much needed buzz, and none of this will even come close to happening if you could just handle your job with a little more efficiency. I appreciate you taking the time to listen. I look forward to your next appearance. Remember - 1,2,3 - that's all.
Sincerely,

Mike